The R-Myth

Relationship Counselling
Making Relationships Work

 

Ray Maxwell, Relationship Coach, Facilitator, Consultant
www.RelationshipCoachToronto.com

Good Marriages are Not Accidental Events:
Biology is Best Assisted By Strategy

The R-Myth [Relationship Myth] falsely states that when people get filled with the Hormones of Love, the “Trance of Romance”, no skill is needed because the “Heaven of Love” has taken over; nothing else matters. Of course, this is not true. A new relationship can be exciting and can seem perfect. However, over time everyone discovers that a lasting satisfying relationship requires effective skills and attitudes, constantly applied. This applies equally well to business, sports, teams,
boards, or other highly effective relationships of any kind!

Thank you for visiting!
I hope that you will enjoy reading,
and that you will learn - or validate -
helpful information that will 
benefit your relationships.

Please let me know 
by writing to
 ray@ray-maxwell.com.

:) Ray Maxwell

 ==== About Making Relationships Better  ====

Michael Lipp, The Professional Coach, defines the relationship myth [r-myth] as follows: " ... that people [trying to get along well]... swallow an issue because you don't think it's safe to bring it up ... concerned that it might damage the relationship ... growing pile of unhandled issues ... over time ... damages the relationship. Ray Maxwell's definition is similar - that nobody wants to disturb the "Magic" of a relationship that is fulfilling. People predict that they won't be able to handle the stress, don't feel confident enough, feel insecure, fear that loss will result. Even if they dimly notice, problems are denied. Instead the person will negatively predict that they don't have tools, the strength, the resilience, to come through the discussion, and that they won't be able to preserve the love. They don't have the positive prediction that by creating well-formed communication, you can change from R-Myth to a Worthwhile Relationship Reality, with greater peace and stability, excitement and possibility. Next let's look at some elements of method.

 Imago Therapy or Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), a form of marriage therapy founded by Harville Hendrix, PhD, supports a similar view: That people come together in a magical marriage full of hope that it will heal their wounds, but eventually discover that it is only by genuinely, but gently, sharing the truth about their nature - and providing the context for doing the same for their partner - that truth is uncovered and supported, and that healing and true intimacy can grow. Hendrix states that "We marry for the purpose of healing [wounds] of childhood. Likewise Romantic Love [is the means by which nature] "connects us with the right partner for our eventual healing". "Romantic Love", then followed by "Power Struggle," are natural stages of a romantic relationship! With "conscious effort and dialogue, our Imago love partner" can assist us in completing issues which are unfinished and help us move towards self-wholeness. "The Couple's Dialogue"  - Mirroring, Summarization, Validation and Empathy - assists each partner to extend themselves in understanding how the experience of the other is different from their own. This understanding, and the kindness and support that becomes possible, turn helps our partners to heal, to grow, to move closer to becoming whole and complete within ourselves; now stability, excitement, and possibilities can exist in your relationship. 

Dr. John Gottsman offers  very useful advice. Dr. Gottsman is amongst our most respected advocates of the belief that, as Ray Maxwell would say it, "Good Marriages are not accidental events - Biology is Best Assisted By Strategy". 

The bolded quotes below are from "Gottsman’s Marriage Tips 101". Ray Maxwell wrote the commentary. 

Is it easy (is it not?) when you see this advice clearly written, to understand how this can make marriages succeed? Ray Maxwell
supports actions these "Marriage Tips" which he calls "Relationship Effectiveness Strategies" .

* "Seek help early". Don't settle for unhappiness. 
* "Edit yourself.". Misunderstanding are best worked out! But start softly, kindly, gently, without blame. 
* "Accept influence". Men especially tend to find this difficult. But woman with no power suffers loss, grief, and insecurity. Listen carefully for words such as, "My plans are set; I'm not changing them. " This attitude  is bound to fail. Concessions, "because I love you" will get you much more loving response, respect, and pride, both in your spouse "wonderful husband", and in yourself, "I know how to make my wife feel loved." Ask yourself, truly, it is a pleasure when your mate allows you to influence them? Likely the answer is "yes"; and the same is true, when you allow your mate to influence you! Absence of this experience is felt as a loss!
* "Have high standards." Right from the start, let your partner know, kindly but firmly, that you will not tolerate bad behavior towards yourself. Set the standard from the beginning. Demonstrate the quality you want, and only accept that quality. Happy couples should have high standards for each from when they first meet. However, it is never too late to begin. 
* "Know how to exit an argument". You can say things like, 
- "Let's not argue, let's have a good time." 
 -"Thank you for bringing up that topic. Can we set a time to tomorrow afternoon to speak about it." 
- "I think we understand each other about that - can you see any purpose of going over it again right now? Ok, let's change the subject. Nice haircut!" 
- "I think you have many valid points - how about we stop discussing this until next week, and I will keep it in mind and think about it?" You will get extra points if you say, "I'll approach you about this topic at a specific time [eg) "next Tuesday" "and you remember to do it. You will build considerable trust  - which is worth having.
- "This is OUR problem, difficult, too." 
- "Even though I don't agree, I will cooperate. What do you want me to do?" 
- " My favorite is "Let me start by telling you the parts of what you are saying that I agree with." Then, I try to find at least three, and if the person still isn't convince that I really don't want to argue, I am actually "onside", I'll try for six! Only when I see the person has got the idea that I am their ally will I voice my remaining concern, always followed by a question such as, "Have you any suggestion about what we should do about the difference?" In my own relationships, and in those of couples to whom I have taught this, we are regularly surprised and delighted about the level of cooperation that this can evoke! [I learned this method from Anita Simon, Philadelphia, during my studies of Systems Centered Psychotherapy®, created by Yvonne Agazarian]

Making helpful attempts to exit the argument will demonstate to your partner that you don't want to fight. "Make love, not war". Dr. John Gottsman proposes the following Often-Successful Repair Attempts for exiting an arguement:
* Changing the topic to something completely unrelated". ; humorHumor, if sensitive and kind in its inference, can help. Even more effective can be you giving your partner a caring remark, for example: "I see that this is hard for you", or, "I am onside with you about making this work out alright." 
* "Backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win)".You can back down, and offer appreciation. You may be surprised and delighte about how nicely this can turn things favorably around. For example, smile, say "Thanks for opening this subject. I really care about you and I want things between us to be very good." 
* If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break." "Let's chat about this in 20 minutes, after when we have both calmed down - how about that? I will come and find you." 
* "Focus on the bright side".  As Dr. Gottsman recommended, I have found that making positive statements of appreciation to each other, smiles, expressions of gratitude, appreciation of qualities of all kind - are never wasted. Repetition of this kind is good. "Never too much". People's self-esteem needs a good "bank account" of verbal and non-verbal appreciation from their committed partner. It can be a touch, a word, a gesture, a smile, a nod. A collection of these "goodies" received can evoke great appreciation  from your partner, such as in times where, in a sometimes hostile world, it is more possible to remember these, get comfort, and feel relief.

Dr. Gottsman advises that you should make at least as many five positive statements [smiles, gestures, touches] to your partner for one criticism, complaint, or change request. For creating a good marriage, make it yours a rich and plentiful "Climate of Positivity", by putting "Deposits into Your Emotional Bank Account".

Ray Maxwell, with over 30 years experience, his studies with masters, over 30 years in his own successful marriage,
effectively assisting couples, people in business relationships, boards, and teams, has develop a spectacular skill set 
for making relationships work better, most often resulting in great improvements in feeling, communication, and a 
brighter, lighter outlook for the people he has assisted.

Whether your goal is building solid loving romantic relationships, creating a picture-perfect marriage, or
achieving good partnerships that feel worth staying in, contact Ray Maxwell,
Relationship Coach/Facilitator, Relationship Consultant for Couples Therapy,
Couple's Counselling, and Family Relationship Coach in Toronto.

Click now on www.RelationshipCoachToronto.com 

Ray Maxwell also can help - for business or personal -
with Coping with Difficult People, Anger Management,
Business Staff Management and Collaboration,
through individual consultation or workshops.
http://www.dynamicteambuilders.com/dealing_with_difficult_peop le.html